Landmarks

I have three or four different places that I walk to keep me sane. Some are much more visually appealing than others and I definitely have a favorite that I go if the stars all align just the way I need them to. No matter which place I choose, I have landmarks that I watch out for along the way. Some are places I pass and some I hear through the headphones of my iPod.

When I hear Pearl Jam tell me to "Just Breathe", I know I am at the half way point and it is a reminder to do just that, breathe. When I pass the Lotto shop with the big purple sign I know that in about 10 minutes I'll be back to my warm car. I usually think about the times the kids I stop at that shop and get huge scoops of Tip Top ice cream hand dipped in the most divine chocolate. It makes me pick up my pace just enough. I pass the old rusting truck in the middle of the sheep pasture and smile and think about Brandon and know that I'm a fourth of the way home. And when I'm almost home, I laugh at the sign that warns me that I could die. Something about a cable under the river. In a land that throws all caution to the wind, it's funny to see that sign.

The nice thing about landmarks, whether early in the journey or the ones that signal you are near the end, is that you get an idea of where you are. You can gauge how much energy it will take to get you to the end. This journey with Little D is all new to me. There are no landmarks to navigate my path. Does three days in a row with screaming rages lasting three to four hours mean we're a fourth of the way in? When he asks for a hug do I know we're almost there? When he looks me directly in the eye, glaring, and pees and poops all over the floor, does that mean we've taken a step forward or back. There is no gauge to measure how much energy and determination it will take to get us to the end. I don't even know where the end is at this point or what it looks like. All I can do is hope, and muster up the energy and determination for one more step.