I passed the bathroom mirror today and literally scared myself. Who is that crazy looking person looking back at me? I look like a really bad before shot for an Oprah makeover. Dark purple under the blood shot eyes and crazy hair (not done by my seven year old) and just looking supremely tired and sad. As further documentation for my intake sheet at the inpatient psych unit, last week I "lost" my keys in the front door for over 45 minutes when I was supposed to be picking the girls up from school, last night I forgot we had said the dinner prayer just minutes before, and the show stopper-this morning I left the house and went to the store in sweat pants and slippers on purpose. Slippers people. I can only say crazy in two languages, English and Kiwi (ok, kind of the same language), but I'm feeling it in many more.
I've been keeping the Little D diaries and it's too depressing to even write down anymore. I had decided that I should document what was going on in case I ever needed it. Great plan! As if walking in on a finger paint poop mural in progress in the bathroom in real life isn't bad enough, I can have the added pleasure of thinking about it again by putting it in print. Oh and every time I accidentally turn to that page in the book, I can reread it and have the wave of nausea and emotions come back again.
As of right now, I am in search of the better me. No more diary of crazy behaviors, no more videos of pathology to be used for diagnostic purposes, for him or me. No more checklists and google searches for "Attachment Disorder". The better me is turning on some Christine Kane, getting dressed and getting out the very expensive flat iron that she dragged all the way to New Zealand, and putting on make up. She is going to fix a grown up lunch, open a can of Diet Coke, and sit down and read the library book she checked out three and a half weeks ago that has not been opened (and has nothing to do with Attachment Disorder or regulatory parenting). She is going to make some fun plans for things to do with her girls and her parents when they come in a couple of weeks. She is going to get out her little book of big ideas and start writing and then working to make the those ideas her new reality.
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